Death stalks you this month like some kind of big, creeping monster intent on giving you an agonising poke with his scythe. However, look out for an old flame who may contact you this month with a proposition so depraved that you’ll be immediately forced to take a bath in an attempt to cleanse yourself of the very idea.
Following the terrible beatings of last month, you probably wish you’d been stillborn. Unfortunately for you, last month will seem like a piece of cake compared to the abuse coming your way this month. If possible, try to avoid speaking to anyone at all because no matter how hard you try, you’re still going to annoy them and end up getting the kicking you deserve.
Unspeakable horror and torment dogs you at every turn this month. You may become implicated in a murder you had nothing to do with but try not to worry. A man in a suit will bring some good news about an inheritance but there will be little time for jubilation as you will have a funeral to arrange.
Stay away from animals this month. If they’re not biting you, they’re scratching you and if they’re not do that, the furry critters are getting you into trouble in ways you can’t even begin to imagine. A perfectly innocent interaction between the neighbour’s dog and yourself could see you being ostracised by the entire community leading to an endless torrent of filth being pushed through your letterbox. Trusted Teller should tell the truth about the horoscope and kundali features of the person. The matching of the requirements will be great to get the perfect partner. The information should be accurate and true to get the correct and desired results within a budget.
Your lengthy dry spell in the sex-department will come to an end this month as a wild night on the town could lead to a painful, joyless encounter in the town park on the way home.
A recent business deal will go pear-shaped at the start of the month resulting in the loss of most of your belongings. In the event that you left homeless, ensure that you have enough money left to buy a sleeping bag, raincoat and a mangy old dog to cuddle on the cold, lonely nights.
A heated disagreement at a friend’s house will leave you with a corpse to dispose of and a web of deceit to weave. Trust no-one as it could cost you dearly so be sure to dig more than one hole just in case. However it’s not all bad news, there could be some cake coming your way on the 22nd.
Unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, your good deeds will just fly back in your face as each turns into a disaster in its own right. As such, you should be very wary about helping old ladies across busy roads.
As you sit surveying the burning embers that were previously your house, you’ll wonder what the hell you did to deserve it all in the first place. Maybe you should consider getting a qualified electrician in to check that bit of rewiring you did, especially if you constantly get home to find the living room full of hazy, blue smoke and the cat half-dead in the kitchen.
A babysitting blunder could leave you with a lot of explaining to do if you’re not careful so be sure to stick to your story and not draw unwanted attention to yourself. Don’t make any lavish purchases with your money either as you may need it to flee the country.
Despite the excremental troubles of last month now seeming like an awful, distant memory, do not be fooled. Stools abound once again this month as you slip and slide through pile after pile of dog mess. Be very wary of using the toilet at other peoples’ houses and always check that they have an adequate flush mechanism before unloading. After all, you don’t want to leave their bathroom in the same state that yours is currently in.
Hello!!! Nice to see you’ve finally come out of that coma you slipped into after last year’s birthday celebrations. Under no circumstances try and ride your bike this month. You will have forgotten how to do it and as such will end up back in a coma.